My Harried Life and a Racoon Part 2

6/26/14

So now it's Thursday evening, I come home from a 10 hour day at work... we had our public open house. So happy my buddy Lois came so I could give her the tour myself! It had been an exhausting day, as I was challenged to a foot race on our astro turf in the work out room. Good news it was a tie... not sure what to think news... I was racing with a septuagenarian! LOL Anyway I ran through Happy Joe's for pizza and get home to sit down and enjoy the evening with some friends on my front porch. The pile of cat food I swept up is still there so I go on a mission to find the dust pan... I find it at the same time as my company shows up... I am officially distracted. We sit down and the sun is setting and I happen to look up and see a HUGE ASS RACOON climbing the tree alongside the house next door! My friend, Samantha, whom is by far the biggest animal lover I have ever met, starts to coo and talk to it. He promptly comes down and starts sniffing around and goes under the porch. After a minute or two I look up and DIRECTLY in front of me with his head poking through the railing, almost touching my feet, is the HUGE ASS RACOON! I let out a scream loud enough to wake the dead and scare the racoon away. Now Samantha is scolding me for scaring the poor thing... I'm thinking REALLY?!? What about this poor OLD thing that almost had a coronary? It finally dawns on us it is after the food still in a pile on the porch. So, Samantha's son, Anthony,  grabs the broom and dustpan and throws what is left out in the side yard. Of course anyone that knows anything about wildlife knows they are just going to smell that food in the grass and come looking for it. And sure enough the HARcoon (HugeAssRacoon) showed his furry little masked face again. Now Samantha is standing up and cooing and talking to the friggin' thing like it's a PET! I am telling her to STOP because I don't want it to get too comfortable... you see just last week a squirrel came up on the porch railing, paused to look at us sitting there and then jumped down onto the footstool sitting right in front of the occupied chairs and ran across to the side porch and hung out on the railing not 5 feet away... It has a distinctive tail, and I have seen this creature on my porch more than once since then!

Now it is getting late, and I have to pack Wayne's lunch for him for work. I am gone maybe 5-7 minutes... when I come back out Samantha and Anthony tell me the HARcoon came up onto the porch and was sniffing the spot where the cat food had sat all day. Anthony was sitting on a folding chair right over the top of that spot! When he realized the HARcoon was right at his feet he jumped a little bit and sucked in his breath, clearly startled by the brevity this animal had, which was just enough to startle the HARcoon to run away. Harry, the HARcoon, is back in the side yard looking for any other bits of cat food he may have missed earlier. Wayne has gone to work, the tikis are burning, and we are starting to relax when Harry pops his head up AGAIN through the porch railing, this time further away from me... he obviously took pity on me and wanted to save me a heart attack. So once again Samantha goes into cooing mode again. She wants to go get more cat food to put out for him. I am emphatically telling her "NO!!" She is worried he will starve, look at him.... he clearly is not a skinny little waif! Still baby talking Harry he makes his way all the way over to the porch steps. As I watch in terror, he cautiously comes up one step at a time, all the while hearing encouragement from Auntie Samantha. At this point, I am unable to speak, or move and Harry decides it is not safe and backs away, down the stairs and back under the porch. Once the terror subsides I decide it is time to call it a day. I say good night to my company and make sure there is no food or food scented things left out on the porch where I go in and start planning on what to pack for my weekend away.

My Harried Life and a Racoon Part 1

6/26/14 

Wednesday night I brought home some groceries... I  unloaded them all out of the trunk and up onto the front porch to then bring them in the house. Thursday morning I get up and getting ready for work. I open the refrigerator and the door FELL OFF. I mean literally fell off the the fridge and just missed my toes. Naturally all contents of the door fall to the floor and the milk opens up to spill all over. I call Wayne to hurry him home...when he does arrive he asks me if I forgot something on the porch last night? OMG! I forgot the bag of cat food... now there is a shredded bag of cat food spilled all over the front porch. As if the raccoons around here aren't abundant enough and now I am feeding them! I dumped what was left on the bag into the cat's food container and the rest I swept into a pile and then could not find the dustpan. In the meantime, I am needing to clean up the floor full of milk, put away the contents of the door, clean myself off from the milk that splashed up on me and get dressed and ready for work. At this point I am so hot and sweaty, I literally have sweat dripping down my back and my hair is WET! I had to take another shower that would put me behind, so I call into work to explain as briefly as I can about my insane morning... I am fortunate to work for and with some amazing people, so they understood. My husband on the other hand... he was decided since I was already going to be late, could I help him find this and that and oh yeah I need you to order the part for the refrigerator so I can fix... Some days you just cannot escape the crazy! Thankfully it was the end of the week and I was only an hour late. Although I missed all the excitement at work... alarm getting set off,  911 phone call, and of course then I have to endure the teasing about my refrigerator door. We had our open house for the new building until 6:30 so I was really looking forward to getting home and sitting on the porch for a while before having to rush around and pack for the weekend.

"Roseanne: Desperately Seeking June Cleaver"

6/28/14

I try to keep things light and humorous in my life in general so those are the things I blog about. However, with job hunting, and health issues for both Wayne and myself the last couple of years I have not been terribly successful in finding the funny... After some serious introspection I am determined to just be me, no apologies, no backing down, just be real and say what I mean and mean what I say. My husband and his mom have been a great influence in teaching me that. If I am not married to you, if I don't owe you any money and if you don't sign my paychecks then suck it up buttercup because this girl is NOT going to answer to you! I have known this and felt this way for a long time but I admit I have lost my way, allowing negativity to seep back into my life. Let me tell you something..."Ain't nobody got time for dat!!"(Thank you Sweet Brown for this)

I have chosen to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself; when I am annoyed by something I will let you know. I am not going to be whispering behind your back and saying things I wouldn't say to your face, you never know who is going to be listening and repeating what is being said and quite honestly I am not in high school anymore, I am entitled to feel any damn way I please and it's about damned time I own those feelings and without consequence! If you don't like what I have to say, or if I do or DON'T do something you feel should have or should not have been done, oh well. If that makes me a bad friend, then I guess I'm a bad friend and why would you want to be friends with someone like me then?

Moving forward for this next chapter of my life I am seeking peace. Sure there will be drama and arguments but the key for me is to find the humor and keep it to a minimum. I will watch reality TV, any of the Real Housewives franchises, or almost anything on Bravo TV will give me the daily dose of drama I seek.

I hope to have more posts regarding my "Roseanne: desperately seeking June Cleaver" lifestyle to entertain and amuse you all as well as myself! Now... Let the FUN begin!! 

The Tale of the Petrified Pizza

I would like to preface this post with a couple of comments regarding what I expected to see and why upon my first visit to Wayne's home. First off I knew he had lived there for over 10 years at that time so I was certain that the house would be settled and decorated and gently lived in since he basically lived there alone for several years. Second, he is a Boy Scout. Literally... he is an Eagle Scout since the age of 17 and has been an adult leader for over 30 years now.

Also, anyone that has ever met Wayne would probably agree that he is quite fastidious about his appearance. He has such a baby face and is clean shaven (most of the time), his clothing always looks perfectly pressed and clean with out any stains. I am not sure how this happens as I don't believe he even owned an iron before I moved in and I certainly do not iron, although I do own one (that would be my inner Roseanne coming out)! He does not drink, smoke or cuss and he does not wear jeans... EVER... I mean he does not own a pair of jeans and never has...oh and he always has his shirts tucked in. I will go off on a bit of a tangent here; since he does not wear jeans it does limit his wardrobe. He wears Dickies work pants when working or doing dirty jobs around the house and of course dress pants then for all other activities (unless it is a scouting function then of course he wears the official BSA scout pants or shorts) but always, always, always has shirts tucked in, including t-shirts and I am a bit embarrassed to say, sweatshirts at one time too! I remember the first time I saw him with his scout sweatshirt tucked into his Dockers! I about fell over laughing, I know that was mean but it was very silly looking and I was not giggling alone. When we started dating I told him that I would not be seen in public with him if he insisted on tucking in that damn sweatshirt. He has not done it since.

So getting back to why my expectations of his home were as they were... my first impression of him was that he was a neat freak. I could not have been more wrong. I really wasn't kidding when I spoke of the house looking like the beginning of a  Hoarders episode.This discovery brought out my inner June Cleaver and I wanted to make a nice home for us, so after I tackled the front room I then moved on to the kitchen...  Now my husband is not a heavy man but you can easily see that he hasn't missed too many meals. He cooks too. In fact he cooked our Thanksgiving Day meal that year (and every year since, along with Christmas and Easter dinner). So I fully expected to walk into a fully stocked, clean, organized kitchen. Again this was my mindset prior to my arrival the day before... Dear LORD the kitchen had not been updated since the late 1950's! The oven, celery green, which we still have and use, has a sticker on the back giving the manufacture date of 1956.

If the decor wasn't enough of a shock I found the cupboards were stocked with canned goods and baking ingredients so old I had to throw them away.  I could not see the counter tops initially because they were covered in empty, Happy Joe's pizza boxes. When I went the refrigerator I was pleasantly surprised that it did not take long to clean it out, as it was filled with half-eaten pizza in Happy Joe's pizza boxes. I cannot even remember how many boxes I found in there. Most of the pizza was unrecognizable because it was so old. I could have filled a recycling bin with all the pizza boxes I found that day! The next step was to clean the stove top and the oven. Being that it was such an old relic, there is no self cleaning option and although it was a top of line stove in it's day, many of the features such as a programmable start and end time, did not work. But I cleaned my little heart out, removing all the knobs and soaking them scrubbing around the burners with a toothbrush. I even used a toothpick to clean the grease from the numbers on the knobs. Then I opened the oven.... (cue the music from the shower scene in Psycho) I don't believe the oven had EVER been cleaned. As if the horror of the filthy racks and bottom pan weren't enough there was a pan of something in there. I was not sure what it was at first but I using my powers of reasoning, pizza box themed decor and it was on a round metal pizza pan I came to realize it was PETRIFIED PIZZA! After I had ascertained the origins of my find int the oven I was pretty much done and I decided to go back to embracing my inner Roseanne, and save the oven cleaning for another day. Needless to say we went out for supper that night and we did not get pizza!

CHANGES

It would seem I am making it a habit to only blog once every 4 months. This is not what I had in mind when I started this so I will have to work on it.  I noticed that in my last blog my whole life had changed in 4 months and now it would seem that is happening again.  So when I last blogged I was employed full time with an empty nest.  Now... I am currently unemployed, sadly, things just did not work out at the law firm. It was a difficult blow to take but as they say everything happens for a reason.  I  am currently sitting on the edge of my seat awaiting that previously mentioned reason to show itself! I will keep you posted on what it is when it does decide to make an appearance! The other major change in our lives is that my husband and I are no longer empty nesters.  Our oldest son has moved back home.  Things did not work out for him in Nebraska with his living arrangements and so he transferred back Iowa and moved home. He has taken up residence in what is formerly known as Brandon's room or as I fondly and breifly referred to it as my GUEST room.  Unfortunately it was only a guest room for 5 months, I guess that is not long enough for the name to stick.

I will say I am back to enjoying my time at home. I find that working full time made it difficult for me to pursue my dream of actually, maybe one day, becoming June Cleaver.  The first week I was home I spent several days just sort of lost, not sure what to do with my time, although there were many things to be done. After a day or two I pulled myself together and started on one project at at time. I have gotten several rooms cleaned to my satisfaction and I am finding that I am now much more organized at keeping up with this.

Having a child in the house, and I realize that he is almost 22 but, he is still such a child when it comes to household tidiness. I am constantly picking up after him and reminding him to do his chores, of which there are only 3 I might add!  He was supposed to work four 10 hour days at this job, however there has not been a single week in the 3 months he has been there that he has worked 40 hours.  He had Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays off. So I asked him to do his chores, which consist of emptying and loading the dishwasher and cleaning the catbox and taking out trash,  on his days off.  He is too tired to do anything on the days he works you know.  I cannot remember ever being tired when I was his age. I worked 4 part time jobs and and when I wasn't working I was out with my girlfriends shopping or clubbing. It was a great LIFE.  It appears that this child has no life however,  these chores are just too much for him to remember and HEAVEN fobid I ask him to something outside of those chores such as shoveling the walks or carrying boxes up and down stairs or even asking him to help bring in the groceries. He then cops a major 'tude and complains that "you people" want me to do everything and you want it done right away.  I am trying to figure out exactly who "you people" are... perhaps the people that raised you, fed and clothed you (and continue to do so)?  How dare we ask you to help us!  Just this week he changed jobs, one that will actually give him 40 hours and perhaps then he can save enough money to pay his debts and go back to having a the life he apparently had in Nebraska.  Since he doesn't have every other day off he did not think he would need to do said chores assigned to him. So I have picked up those chores myself now.  He has been notified that the RENT is now due on the 1st of the month.  Not a happy camper... LOL.  Actually rent will be taken from each paycheck to ensure it gets paid BEFORE he spends it all. 

I have to admit having the trials and tribulations of a child to tend to does make me feel useful as a mother again but it can make me very weary.  I am older now and do not have the energy or the strength to spare as I once did.

Wayne has really enjoyed having me back home. He is once again getting full home cooked meals.  I was never organized enough to plan meals when I was working full time so he had a lot of microwaved dinners, pizza or leftovers from the weekends.  I missed cooking and another nice thing about having a child at home is not having to cook for 2. Justin's appetite is that of several humans... I cook for about 5 or 6 just to have a few leftovers for his lunch!  Wayne also has appreciated having his "personal assistant" back as well. I am now there to take care of all of his secretarial needs.  He is completely computer illiterate so I am responsible for all email correspondence, computer generated documents etc. Plus any phone calls that are required to run a household and Boy Scout troop are my responsibility once again.

So it seems for the time being I am back in my comfortable old saddle of midwest housewife and mother and I will continue to enjoy it until another chapter in my life opens up~

Back in the saddle...

So I took a brief hiatus from my blog... Since I am my only follower at this time I was not too worried that I would be missed. However, I did have a few friends who follow on Facebook ask me when I would have another installment of their favorite NON TV drama.  In the three months I haven't posted, my whole life has completely changed. For the first time in 20 years, I am employed full time AND have become an empty nester. I hate one and love the other... the weird thing is, if you had asked me 4 months ago I would have told you that I hated the idea of going back to work and loved the thought of having peace and quiet in a house all to myself (and Wayne). This is actually not the case. Of course I have my days when I just want to crawl under the covers and not come out again but mostly I am just doing things one day at a time and adjusting to all the changes... not without a little help... meds are awesome! LOL!!

The job is great. I took a job as a legal secretary for a small, but well established, law firm in town, the hours are perfect for me, the location is 3 blocks from my now quiet and seemingly large house and I LOVE the type of work I do on a daily basis. There is a small amount of drama that comes with working in an office that I had forgotten about over the last 20 years but I am older, wiser and am learning to just let it go. Some days it is easier said than done!

The empty nest issue has been harder than I had anticipated. I thought, at one time, how wonderful life would be in a world where I could spend my time in peace and quiet with a CLEAN house and not have to put on pants if I didn't want to. I have been surprised at how much I hate the quietness in the house, I miss the sounds of the video game noises from the family room and the cuss words my son would shout in frustration at the game. I miss having the boys around to cook for and talk with. I miss hearing the front door opening and closing at random hours with the kids and their friends coming and going. I miss spending time with my son's girlfriend when she lived with us... we used to sit down and watch The Real Housewives of (any city actually) and marvel at the drama these women created for themselves! What I do NOT miss is having to be 'dressed' all the time, now I can come home and hang out in my underwear and a t-shirt all evening if I want to. Many evenings though I don't go home after work just to avoid the quiet. I visit friends or go grocery shopping and often stop in to see my mother-in-law until it is time to get Wayne up for work and cook his dinner.

I have come to the realization that the kids were not the problem with having a messy house... it is my husband. He REFUSES to pick up after himself. We are seriously near battle stage at this point. I don't ask him to do much around the house, but take out trash on trash night each week and take care of his dishes daily. I cook and wash dishes, shop, do laundry, vacuum, dust and take care of the animals plus work full time AND I pack him a lunch every night before he goes to work. HOW FLIPPING HARD IS IT TO PUT A DISH IN THE DISHWASHER?  Apparently it is near impossible. Here is the situation: We do not have an eat-in kitchen and since there are only two of us I don't see any point in setting the formal dining room table for two so we eat in the living room in front of the television. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that his dinner dishes were piling up on the table next to his chair over a period of about 3 days... 3 cups, 3 plates, a couple of  cereal bowls and various silverware. I took care of MY dishes... so I waited... I thought if he want's to play games then LET'S PLAY! FINALLY, after 5 days and more accumulating dirty dishes with each passing day, before I left for work one morning, I gathered the dishes up and set them NEATLY in his chair, so he would not be able to sit without moving them.  He picked up the pile of neatly stacked dishes and moved them to the kitchen sink. REALLY?! The dishwasher is actually closer than the sink is. SO I told him in no uncertain terms that if he wanted me to continue doing things for him, ie. packing his lunch and cooking him meals every night he had to help me a little in return.  Fortunately I did not have to go on strike... sometimes the dishes pile up for a day or two but he does manage to find time to drop them in the dishwasher for me. Now if I could only get him to load it properly... but that is a battle I have chosen NOT to fight.

So in a nutshell I seldom have time to post about the trials and tribulations of raising 3 teenagers, now almost all adults, and the crazy crap we have been through but with enough encouragement and maybe a follower or two I will be a bit more diligent in putting up some monthly if not weekly posts!

Amityville Horror: The Downstairs Bathroom

I have chosen to start with the main characters that are currently in my life. I will save the drama and stories from my first marriage and our family “fun” for another blog/book... it will be more of a Peyton Place than this comedy of errors I presently call my life!

My second husband, Wayne, had custody of his 2 children when we met and I have helped him raise them since the oldest, a girl, Tori, was 13 and our oldest boy, Justin, was 10. My son Brandon was 8 when all 5 of us moved in together into our 100 year old Victorian, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home. We live in a small city in eastern Iowa, just three blocks from the Mississippi River. I mention the age and size of the house because at many points in the last 11 years of my life this house became the bane of my existence.


This house was a work in progress when I moved in, with the second floor being almost completely gutted and unused for many years. Adding to that, the first time I entered the house, one would have thought it would belong on the show Hoarders!  I spent 8 hours the first day cleaning the front sitting room, which my husband had been using as a bedroom (and I use that term loosely as he slept on a couch) for the last 5 years. When I happened upon the downstairs bathroom, which is located under the stairs, I noticed immediately that there was no door. In fact I thought perhaps there was just a random shower in there since the only privacy to be had was a shower curtain hanging in the door frame. Wayne is quite a modest man so his first order of business was to get an actual DOOR put on that bathroom.  I have to say it was quite a fiasco! He and a friend purchased a pre-hung door from the local home improvement store and started what should have been an hour job. Let me tell you NOTHING is square in a 100 year old house. NOTHING is STANDARD size in a 100 year old house. So the one hour job became a half a day project. Of course the door did not fit exactly right in the opening, I mean how could I expect that ANYTHING would go smoothly. So the door molding was removed (some did not survive the removal process as it was so old and dry, not to mention they used humongous nails instead of finishing nails to put it up once upon a time) and then the attempts to square up the door frame and align the doorknob holes up so that once a door knob was put on it would latch were met with much frustration. At long last we no longer had just a crappy, blue shower curtain with a ruffle to give us privacy in the only working bathroom, we had a DOOR! There were tears of joy in my eyes... or sawdust... but either way we were somewhat happy. There was still the issue of no molding. IF one wanted to, one could look in between the opening and the frame of the door to spy on whomever was sitting upon the porcelain throne. Since we had 2 young boys who LOVED to get into trouble together and a teenage girl, whom to this day is extremely private, we felt that they would be better off at Grandma Jean's for the duration of the impromptu remodel. He did put up the piece of molding on the side of the door that exposed the toilet several weeks later. I will add that we purchased an unfinished door; Wayne wanted to stain and seal it to maintain the natural wood look instead of paint. The day this door was installed was the day after Thanksgiving 1999... it is still unstained and the molding still not completely done.

I thank God everyday for my mother-in-law, Grandma Jean, as most everyone calls her. She had been helping Wayne with the two kids for many years. He was a single dad, working graveyard shift, so the children lived with her mostly. She was gracious enough to take in my little guy too until the house was habitable for everyone. Jean is only about 5'2", smokes like a chimney, cusses like a sailor, protects her grandchildren like a mother bear with a cub and takes NO prisoners. She has this way of putting you in your place with just a look and can put the fear of God into most anyone. However, she will take in any stray (I lived in her basement for a couple of weeks after I split from my first husband and I wasn't the first nor was I the last) and she will give you her last nickel (but not her last cigarette as Justin learned very recently LOL) and the shirt off her back (provided her robe is handy! She is quite modest as well.) Everyone respects her like none other I have ever seen. She is the Matriarch of our family without a doubt. I would sleep with one eye open if I ever even THOUGHT about crossing her. As much as we drive each other crazy sometimes she has become one of my best friends and substitute mother, as mine lives so far away.

Well tomorrow is another day and another story... we move on to the kitchen to clean next...